Why God Never Received Tenure: A Humorous Look at Academic Life

This humorous piece explores why, according to academic standards, God would never receive tenure. It’s a lighthearted take on the pressures and expectations of university faculty.

The Case Against Divine Tenure

• Limited Publication Record: He only had one major publication.
• Language Barrier: It was written in Hebrew.
• Lack of Citations: The publication had no references.
• Unrefereed Publication: It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
• Authorship Questioned: Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
• Limited Recent Work: It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
• Poor Collaboration: His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
• Replication Issues: The scientific community has had a hard time replicating the results.
• Ethical Concerns: He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
• Experimental Mishaps: When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning the subjects.
• Data Manipulation: When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
• Absenteeism: He rarely came to class and just told his students to read the book.
• Delegation Issues: Some say he has his son teach the class.
• Discouragement of Learning: He expelled his first two students for learning.
• Difficult Assessments: Although there were only 10 requirements, most of the students failed his tests.
• Inaccessible Office Hours: His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

This humorous critique highlights the often-absurd demands placed on academics in their pursuit of career advancement and professional development. It serves as a reminder to maintain perspective amidst the pressures of scholarly life. Perhaps God needs to attend a conference on grant writing!